I want my clothes and my things with me now. i hate that i get to spend my nights sleeping on a thick mattress of my bed as a real bed. i know that i have no choice but to DEAL with it but let’s face facts i am having a difficult time. i hate that if i tell these to my boyfriend, he complains that i am drowning by my shallow feelings. and that he calls me emo for thinking about it too much. he doesn’t understand that i just couldn’t handle myself sometimes. i get pretty insane over thinking about things and also with myself. i know my esteem is running low but sometimes he points it out straight to my face that i don’t have any. i know its the truth but what sucks about it most is that i don’t know how to react when he says it. if i should feel stronger or be ashamed and upset. if i should not get mad at him for saying those hurtful but the truthful things or feel stronger that he pointed out the truth to change me. i don’t know whether i should understand that what he’s trying to tell me is that he cares by inflicting hurtful vocabularies into me to let me know the truth. but i hate it. i also hate that when he tells these things to me he does it by force. im afraid he might hurt me next time already.
I hate that my mom took us all into this crap and letting us deal with it with her without even apologizing and did not even explain every single damn thing. i have to constantly ask her why it happened or why is it happening all the time. it feels like i cant get another break. i have to constantly watch over and ask what is going on. cause i feel like if i turn my head and focus on something that i really love she might not be able to get things done. i also hate that a part of me hates the fact that we live right next to her boyfriend. one is because it feels icky seeing my mom with another man besides my dad. i can accept that she likes someone else but i don’t like seeing them together in my home. i want some closure.
I hate that i cant help papa. i hate that i cry hopelessly sometimes about how much i want take care of him but i cant do anything. i hate myself sometimes that i am not there when he is in need. i hate myself that i did not even try to learn nihonggo when i had the chance and reason out that it’s because i don’t use it.